Thursday, 25 August 2016

I find no dishonour...

I find no dishonour when a fellow human being takes the extreme measure and removes themselves from existence. What ever weight was upon their shoulders or cloud that surrounded their brain, to them there was no other choice but to take their own life. I feel that the inability to communicate the struggle they were in is part of it. Perhaps pride and being a brave and strong person on the outside is a cover to protect the frightened and overwhelmed soul which is on the inside. 
Whatever the case may be, the person taking their own life is a victim... a victim of a mental illness and they succumb to that illness. All over the world people take this measure to bring on what they feel is relief, happiness and to apparently remove the perceived stress from others. The illness which has taken the lives of some of my friends and other more well know people like Robin Williams cannot be ignored.

Soldiers from any military force take their lives due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Shell Shock. They are unable to cope with life in the civilian world. It is not a problem that is easily recognized even by professionals but it is an illness that needs to be addressed. Statistics show that 40% of transgender people take their lives as a result of not being able to get the help they seek and none of this is acceptable.

I was at that point a number of years ago but I also knew all to well that this option was not for me. I battled the disease, the mental illness and overcame the stress and removed the cloud from my mind. I am grateful for those that took the time to listen.

I find no dishonour in suicide, it is an individual choice and I sincerely hope that those that take this step have found what they were looking for... no longer in pain and existing in peace.

Be well...

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Too many years... too many tears.

Too many years...

Had society been more tolerant and had I been more educated in some things I likely would have made my choices years ago. But then again perhaps not. The timeline is set and rehashing the old will never help moving on into the new. So, with that it mind I grasped my life by the horns and made the changes I needed to make for me... my choices, my decisions... my happiness.

Nicole... the first realization.

Yes my life has become quieter in general. My social activities have decreased as has contact with people I once knew, or thought I knew. All of that is OK... I have met new an wonderful friends and made the friendships I do have even stronger and more viable. Not only that my attitude has changed. I thought I had perceived things differently but realized a lot of things. One of the people who was somewhat involved in my self discovery pointed something out to me. 

In my previous life as a photographer I worked, composed some wonderful images and put together some very unique pieces of photographic art. What was pointed out to me was my old self was never an artistic photographer or even a photographer in general. The person I had locked in a dungeon for more than 40 years who bears the name of “Sarah” used the synaptic pathways to find a way out of the cellar to the outside world. She used photography as her medium and to communicate with the outside world through images. Her voice and her vision was loud and very clear.

I heard her screams echo from the deep recesses of my brain and soon realized just how “in touch” with my feminine side I truly was. Something had to be done... so with the help of Aleisa who was not only a key model but a psychologist I was able to break the lock and free a spirit from the shackles that held her and Sarah was set free.

Aleisa... My saviour
The imagery grew in a remarkable way and while there are moments of mental lapses that will slow down the post production of past work there are moments when Sarah... where I, me... will pull up my knickers and get the task complete. Two bursts in the past week have seen nearly 60% of previous and present work being cleared. As I work freely on imagery, as I type out this entry, I find myself in tears. Some out of sorrow, but more so out of the joy and celebration of life in discovering my true freedom. 

Caitlin, life inspiration

I still have moments of fear, of wanting to hide away... times when I will weep for no apparent reason, times of wanting to just be held... to have my face caressed... to be comforted like a small child. A child who is lost and fears things that there are no reason to fear. I am sometimes that child but will always find that moment where I rise up true and strong and face the world.

 My work continues... my passion grows... my love for life is enhanced as I work with others... I am content in my life, Kozmo is a wonderful creature but still there is something missing...

Be well, welcome each day with a smile and a fresh look on what lay ahead..