Monday, 8 May 2017

I am an individual...

I am an individual and that is all I ask that anyone recognize. I have a name, please use it and if you aren’t sure, no fear in asking me what it is... I prefer proper pronouns and if you don’t know how to refer to me then all you need to do is ask. There are some things you shouldn’t ask... and I will only mention them once.

Do not ask:

- About surgeries or hormone replacements
- Sexual preferences or desires
- How much I make in a year

Please ask:

- How I am doing
- What is new or exciting

Pretty much use your head and think about what you would not like to be asked about. It really isn’t rocket science.

I am beaten down every day by those who refuse to acknowledge my existence and by those who intentionally ignore my simple requests. Be that as it may, I continue to live and enjoy each day as best as I can. There are very few... and I do mean a very small number who I am OK with calling me by the name I was given at birth. In reality it still is part of my name so it is somewhat easy to overlook.
Beaten down by ignorance but will always rise.
I did not choose an easy path to live but for me it is the right one. There is no other way I could have continued with life without having accepted who I truly am and needed to be. While the medical community does not make some things easy, I am happy that my physician is helping me through things as best as he can. I ask a lot of him but step by step... I continue to grow as the woman I am. I could not do it without the amazing love and support of many friends. Some from before I was “born”, and some from after. I could with some effort list each and every one but for that, a personal moment between us will do the trick as each one means so much to me for a variety of reasons.
I am an individual and that is all I ask that anyone recognize. I have a name, please use it and if you aren’t sure, no fear in asking me what it is... I prefer proper pronouns and if you don’t know how to refer to me then all you need to do is ask. There are some things you shouldn’t ask... and I will only mention them once.

It just takes a moment of caring... open love.

I hear so much talk about how I should be patient as someone will come into my life... I always reply with the same thing: “If there is a perfect or close to perfect person out there for me... chances are they are a pygmy head-hunter in the jungles of Borneo.” Bullshit... I do believe in fate but I also believe in people accepting people for who they are, not what they are. I have been told by one that they were damaged goods and I wouldn’t be happy... others say they are unlovable... When I hear those things I never go any further as they have made up their own mind about not getting into any kind of meaningful relationship.

I have my thoughts about one person and haven’t had a viable chance to sit and talk with them about everything. Timing has been off and that is OK as they have a life too. Would I want it to work? Oh yes I would as long as I am considered a who and not a what. I also feel that they know who they are...

Saturday, 6 May 2017

It was a painful day...

It was a painful day but then getting work done on a back tattoo can be that way. As the needles penetrated my skin I was able to drift my thoughts to other things. It helps with the pain when you can do that. Anyway... while the time was short I did get some peace from a conversation I was part of last night. The time we have is not enough. Eyes look into mine and my heart pounds, can’t explain it but something feels right.

Her eyes looked into mine

I am openly concerned about a number of my friends and like with my family, it would hurt so much to see something bad happen. Two of them are having issues with each other as people will do and I remain neutral, but there for either of them. This is life...

I live alone, with my cat and I like it that way... We do argue and I usually get injured as a result but that is our relationship. Most of the time it is a peaceful and loving one and other times he just disappears all together. Yes, it is possible for two humans to be involved and not even live together. Each doing their own thing, but each joining with the other for time together. Travel, movies, walks, cooking in the kitchen to entertain friends or just watching the waves roll into shore.

Anyway... I will move on day by day and enjoy what I can on my own. I do travel a lot by myself as that is all I have. It is great to do that too. Adventure, talking with random people, just doing your own thing wherever you may be. I have also travelled with someone and that is wonderful, especially if you are showing them things they have never seen. This is a major adventure and I am always open to this sort of thing.

A wonderful travel partner

Soon I leave for the Pacific Rim and I am not travelling alone. Char and I have travelled together before and it was a total adventure as we both found ourselves in places that neither of has ever been. Now that is something that is amazing especially when you can share it with a friend.

Thursday, 4 May 2017

Born to die...

The universe is ours... respect it before it is too late.

I was born... to die. We all start with that first breath when we are born... totally unaware of anything and begin our life journey with one positive end. What we do with the space in between all of that is up to us. We learn, some quicker than others... we love, are loved, we make mistakes are dumped and abused. It is not easy this thing called life but most of us do pretty good considering we really don’t learn what it takes. School does not teach us what we need to know, our parents try to but... no matter what everything is different for everyone.

Trying to exist in a world that is blind...

I have lived reasonably well. I have made mistakes, I have been an absolute bastard at times but I did my best to learn as I went along. Correct those things that I did wrong; make myself a better person for it. The past 4 years have been the most liberating but even with the things I had learned... I found myself in situations that were most uncomfortable.

Truth... it can hurt but it is the most efficient way of communicating and getting things done. I have recently been in a situation where I have had so much on my mind and trying to sort it out is becoming very painful. Despite the pain I will sort things out... talk to key people and hope that when I do confront that one person it works out well. Or at the very least I get a very honest and heartfelt response.

For my peace... leave me alone but I still need you.

I am quite the introvert... I totally enjoy my solitude but at the same time I crave human interaction. More and more I am restricted by my fluctuating vision ability and my inane stubbornness to not get out more. My peace is sweet so someone has to be able to make it even sweeter to open that door. My work on “Shadows” has taken a bit of a kick due to my vision and fear of personal rejection or loss. It is the way I am and I can deal with it but I am not sure I want to deal with it alone.

Could I truly love someone till the end of my time? I am certain I can and would love to.
Be with one person, loving... close, sharing, screaming, arguing and cuddling the pain away... One thing I have learned though is far too many people, including many I know have preconceived notions on how things should be and... expect that perfect “looking” person, the well trimmed, excellent figure kind of person. When in reality one should be looking for a real person. Warm, honest, sensual, true... Oh well... I know what I bring to the table and I am not afraid to walk away.

My pain is real... your touch will heal.

I was born to die... and when I do leave this surreal plane of existence it won’t be in a blaze of glory... well, it could be, as I still tend to take a risk now and then that involves high altitudes and explosives.

Time will tell but in the end this is one hell of a ride.