Part from that which no longer serves you...

People say to separate yourselves from things and people that simply do you no good or are interfering with your life. I have been quietly doing that over that past few years. Giving away things I had in my home I had no use for, or things that I had as keepsakes from family members since passed. I have already given a few things that belonged to my Dad to my sons and have a couple of his things also set aside for my two girls which I will pass on to them.

When it comes to friends... wait, let me rephrase that. When it comes to people I know, that is a different thing. Facebook for example... If you are someone I know through my photographic work then the studio page is where to go for information, contact and that sort of thing. Just this morning I quietly removed about a dozen people from my personal Facebook page that I have either not been in contact with in some form or, have no real need to be part of my personal page. There are those that are studio related on my friends list... but they will remain as we have developed a true friendship and a close bond with each other. Either through my work or simply by being a friend.

When it comes to the modeling and photographic industry in this city, I and others have found that far too many people are taking a much more lackadaisical approach while those who are truly serious are far too busy to devote the time that they want to the work. When you have subjects who are being paid for a certain series fail to show up because they are hung-over then you know where the field has been taken over by weeds. It troubles me when I get a much better and stronger support base in a city far away than I do right at home.

I am not totally disheartened as there are some truly amazing people in this city that totally support the work I do and have always done their best to help me achieving the image I am seeking despite the chaos which is my mind. To those I give my heartfelt appreciation and love. As far as the rest of the so called models and the so called “wanna be” photographers who just bought a camera and are flooding into the area, well... your “work” as such tells the story. I have approached a few of them that seem to have promise and offered my assistance, only to be rebuked and told where to go. I have already been there twice and have no intention of ever returning.

This is my life on the prairies, a place I call home.

The pain is real...

Scintillating rings fill my visual path, brilliant in colour like the sun reflecting off the surface of a rippled pond. Moving and bright yet I sit in the dark. There is pain this time, a pain I had not forgotten but wish I had. But... had I forgotten than I would have to relive it every time this happens and I am thankful it isn’t as much as it used to be. I wasn’t feeling well earlier today and postponed the booking I had with a feeling I knew what was developing. When I got home I did manage to take in a little food and some meds hoping to stave off what was coming.

It was too late. For several hours I sat in my recliner and fought a fruitless battle and eventually things subsided... it will be a rough few hours and it seems Kozmo knows this. He has not left my lap or my side through this war of pain. The room is notably darker so I fear that time is drawing close, an inevitability I have been waiting for. I hope that this is a small setback but with the looming clouds outside which make things difficult, I didn’t need this. Not today at least.

While I have been preparing for this for a few years, like death, when it arrives it really hurts. Emotionally and today, physically. Both attacking at once. 

 I am tired of hearing the “God has other plans” or “You are never given more than you can handle...”  as much as I am tired of hearing that there is someone out there for you. Well... I got nailed with an idiopathic disease that is stealing away something very precious to me and there are those out there along with my trans status that really just can’t handle it or have no clue what to do. Fine... I get it. I will not be a burden on anyone, I have prepared myself for this and am ready. I will go it alone and while I know I have family and friends there that will lend a hand, It would be nice to listen to someone breathe as they sleep peacefully next to me.

Be blessed, be well and above all, be good to one another of just simply go away. 

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