Sunday, 10 April 2016

I am but one person... I am me.

Solitude can be a friend.
I have my own life path… it is mine to develop and take as I see fit. I feel there are changes I need to make for myself for my own reasons. The reasons are mine and are really no one else’s business. If I take hormones, if I plan on surgery, what changes I am experiencing and all of that is something I will share with those I choose. If I am supporting another trans person it may be a different story but there are few I trust with some things… and most of you know who you are.

Please call me by my chosen (and legal) name, there are few who will still call me by my birth name and I am OK with that as I do realize that after a few decades it is hard to change. I know you try and I am grateful for that effort. I am Dad to some and Poppa to others… that can never change and I am OK with that too. If you are wondering, the correct pronouns are always the best and for those who simply are not sure, they are pretty basic and include she and her. You will make mistakes and that is fine and expected as we are all human and this is a unique situation to be in.

In my zone as captured by Linda Millar

I am a human being and have feelings just like you do. I have health concerns and my body is going through many changes with the transition that I have undertaken for myself. Bear with me as emotions will sometimes overtake me and turn me into a puddle of useless flesh. There are times I will hug you tighter or longer, please understand I feel welcome and safe in your arms and I don’t want that to go away. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, my soul knows who it can trust and that comes through in an embrace of friendship and love.

I struggle most days with the same thing every other woman does. What to wear based on my preferences, hair, make-up… but each is a learning process for me. I will always dress for personal comfort regardless of what anyone says and I am not a make-up person although I do try from time to time. My hair… sigh… However I do have an appointment with a stylist and hair person who has demonstrated some innovative ideas for that. The one thing I will maintain is my passion for being natural. The silver and black I have now is super and I won’t be one to try and colour, hide roots… all of that. It is so much simpler that way.

I am me… all I have experienced over the past half century have made me the person I am… a woman with passion, life, goals, and a modicum of silliness in just the right dosage.

Sunday, 3 April 2016

My spirit soars high above...

I have made connections with people all over the place… all over the world really. Some are professional connections, others are more hobby or common interest related and very few are connections made at such a deep level that the pain of losing them would be close to unbearable. I am talking of a connection so deep that it is a connection of my spirit with another’s spiritual entity. It is when our individual souls wrap around each other in an embrace that feels so pure and so wonderful it just seems to be so comforting and wonderful.

I know who I have connected with at this level and can count them on one hand. Male and female alike, straight, gay, bi… none of that matters but what does matter is the love, spiritual and emotional connection that is made. This has nothing to do with a relationship like a loving couple would have… this is the relationship of two souls coming together outside of anything else that is going on in our respective lives. Two of my “soul-mates” (Sara G. and Angie B.) have wonderful relationships of their own and I admire that very much. I love to see them interact together and enjoy their love. This is something I long for and will always be hopeful but of course I will do fine otherwise.

Today was a day much like others… started out with brunch with Angie, Matt and their daughter. Food was great as always, company was fabulous and I enjoyed the visit. We then all piled into Angie’s little 4x4 and off we went to Beaver Creek Conservation Area. We wandered along one of the trails with a pocket full of seed, cameras and joy in our hearts. The area of course will be coming into bloom in a few weeks as winter has pretty much gone. The creek is flowing pretty good and the temperature was cool but quite nice either way. 
Two of God's creatures... Angie and a bird.
It wasn’t long before a whistle from my lips brought a wee Chickadee down from the trees to Angie’s open hand where it plucked up a seed and flew off. Walking a bit further down the path we discovered a little 13-Lined ground squirrel rummaging through the underbrush in search of food, We couldn’t coax this tiny creature closer but left a small handful of seeds behind for him/her to hopefully find. It wasn’t long before my hand was out and I handed Angie a piece of machinery she had never used before and with that machine she captured a wonderful photograph of a bird making a selection from the seeds I had in my palm. 
So tiny and delicate

Sara and the Ladybug
A simple connection with one of God’s creatures like this is wonderful. A small moment in time that even if wasn’t photographed it would be remembered. As I photographed Angie with the bird, I saw her face, with eyes as wide open as they could be, her mouth in a smile and she just looked like a little girl totally amazed with what was happening in front of her. I likely wouldn’t be able to capture in an image what I saw but it will always be in my mind. Much like the time Sara G. watched as a ladybug crawled along her hand and onto her fingers… there was a look of pure wonder and fascination. It will always be in my mind forever and this is where these kinds of connections are made. 

High above the creek, we prayed...
Near the end of our walk along these prairie paths we stopped near a bend in the creek.High above the banks Angie and I sat in the grass and we both prayed together. A prayer to God, Jesus and the heavens above. I thought of my dad, my family and all of my friends, I gave thanks for them all and for this moment I was about to share with a spiritual and incredible woman. While lots won’t believe in Tarot cards and I am one of them… I went into everything today with an open mind and accepting spirit. After we prayed I selected 4 cards from the colourful deck and starting with the first one I picked we went through each and what they could mean. I had no problem in giving the affirmation with each as they all told a story. The story was of me…

The reading was a private moment between me, Angie and our individual faiths, I am not going to go into details but what was discovered was already in my mind so no huge revelation. However, the order of the cards brought me to think about how true each was. Past… present… my struggle and how I have taken charge of my life and have started to live it my way as the person I am. Yes, she knew a lot of this beforehand but I am the one who picked the cards and in a sequence that matched my life. In any case I was overtaken by emotions at everything we shared and wept… I cried in the arms of a friend high above the river in the wide open prairies. Where the land and the air is pure and where no one would judge anyone. Free to let my tears fall upon her shoulder, feeling each other’s heart beat and hearing the sobs coming from my body… The breeze blew warm over us as we sat embraced in the warm sunlight from above… blessed and loved.

Two souls finally came together, seemingly as one for a moment in time. I felt her pain, and she felt mine. It was a very spiritual moment for me and one of affirmation and awakening. We walked back up the hill, hand in hand to the visitor’s centre and talked. I wished Sara was with us to share in this moment but I also know there is always tomorrow. Each day is a blessing, each soul that had touched mine is sacred to me and one day there will be a soul that scoops me up and holds on till the day I am called on to a higher spiritual sense of being and I can join those who preceded me on our “Next Great Adventure”.