I am an individual...

Proud and wary...

 Through imagery I have helped others to discover the beauty I see in them through my eyes. Be it known that my vision is dwindling and I am more and more finding myself unable to do what so many take for granted. Imagery is part of my salvation. Along with music, an active mind and of course family, friends, Laura and Samuel I find life full and bright despite my inability to see well. Through the lens I see so much more. It makes no difference to me what someone looks like but when I see a glint in one’s eye or the way they talk, smile or even walk, I see what is beyond the obvious and find the heart and soul that beats within.

It was another photographic artist to bring to light what she sees. More so, what she saw in my. I was surprised, shocked and in one image brought to tears. Looking for what I would see in someone she brought on a whole different look and approach to it all. Yes I helped a little but only on a technical end. The art, the compassion and realization was all from with in Meighan. Drawing on her own pain as I do... she discovered much more of me than I realized.

In one image I could see a somewhat proud attitude. The powerhouse of a woman I have apparently become. With attitude that says I am confident and wise, I am not to be trifled with. The next image that took my soul and shook it like an earthquake showed the pain that I had lived with for so many years and I wept. I had found who I truly am, and fell in love all over again. For decades I lived with a person who was not truly happy unless imagery was involved. That was the moment in time that the real me was allowed to breath.

The pain still shows.

Be that as it may, I felt what so many first time subjects felt when in the studio for the first time. Although I have photographed myself many times, the time in studio with another photographer opened my eyes considerably. I have since been asked to pose nude with another art model for a group in a Life Drawing session. I have known the model for many years and was truly honoured and humbled.

This is my life and I am an individual...

Is there a start or end?

When writing a blog... where does one start or end? How often should a person draft a post? No one can answer those questions other than the writer. There was a time when I made nearly daily entries... over 1000 in 3 years but that sad existence is gone now and a new life is well underway. I have tried to go back to sort out when I figured things out and when I began to let people know what was on the horizon.
 

One life gone in favour of a new and authentic one.

 So with that in mind I put together a chronological list of events but I won’t bore you with that. Needless to say I quietly celebrated my 6^th birthday this past October. Many things have happened since I first sorted out a rather chaotic thought process and most recently with conversation and messages with my massage therapist, I have sorted out even more of my life’s mysteries. Without friends like her, my esthetician, and the loving support from Laura I have moved further and quicker into my life. I can include a number of “soul” friends from the Pacific Rim all the way to a wee island in the Atlantic in those benefactors and treasure their existence deep within my heart.

 

I bared my soul and body to the world.

There have been changes in my body which I love and a few I don’t but I still embrace my entire being as I have learned to love myself and all that I am. Yes I curse random hair growth but who doesn’t so I do what I feel I need to in order to make it right... by my standards not by anyone else’s. I don’t care what others think and never will... it isn’t any of my business anyway. I dress for comfort and sometimes can be a little bit of a show-off but everyone is entitled. No one can tell me how to dress but I am open to suggestions. I do not fear openly shopping for clothes or asking for advice and I rather enjoy it.

 

Meditation or prayer for lost souls...

 There are several things on my mind as Remembrance Day is approaching but that is to be expected and I sometimes become very quiet and withdrawn. I plan my own schedule and sometimes that involves ripping out a few hairs (figuratively speaking) but when sorting out studio times, personal times and mix in with that social and studio travel and can be mind boggling. I still, much to the chagrin of some just wander off unannounced and without a solid plan but that has been my way for a few decades now. There are times I will be traveling with Laura and Sam, and other times not. If I am on a studio trip, my mind is solely on the purpose of the journey. But... when I want to go exploring then I will drag anyone along that wants to go.

 My vision is at a stage where my travel (by car) for any reason is limited and I find that extremely frustrating and even a little depressing. I work my way through those stages of depression one moment at a time. Knowing I will once again find the waters of the Pacific and have already planned another journey to a small group of islands in the Atlantic. There were times I would drive for 16 -18 hours in a single day just to reach a destination sooner... thereby having more time where I want, where I need to be. But more on that later...

Be well, be kind to each other and be blessed...

Self aware...

The images in this post have not been altered in any way. Cropping, colour, contrast and light balance are the only adjustments made.

Since discovering my true self some years ago, actually freeing the woman I always was... I have been transitioning and adapting to where I would like to be. It is a difficult journey and there are roadblocks... both emotional and physical. I have had the support of my physician, my family (other than one or two) and some close friends. Since leaving Facebook completely, I have also found out a number of other things about so called "friends". So with the removal of toxic people, life will continue to blossom.

  

Some of my work with others is based on “Self Image Awareness” and “Photographic Therapies”. Through imagery one can come to terms with themselves with acceptance of their being and see their self-worth through the eyes and artistic imagery of another. I began to slowly apply this style of working to myself and while I do know I will never meet the media standards for the female form, I really don’t care. I am a real human being with desires, dreams and love for another.

I still want to lose more weight and become healthier, but this has always been the case. I do have a feminine feeling inside even though I am built like a linebacker but none of that matters in my mind... I was told I don’t look feminine but I had to remind this person that femininity is a matter of the mind and self worth as have seen very “feminine’ women that happen to walk like a cowboy with 500 pounds of flour on their back, but the opposite is true where I have met the least feminine women who have all the wonderful charm of a princess without being a snob.

I am who I am, ask if you don’t know how to address me and I will tell you. Treat me as a woman, as that is who and what I am. My self image... selfies if you must... has helped me so much. The support of those that have shown caring and love has helped so much, for this I thank you. Also, the love of an amazing woman in my life has brought me back from the precipice of a least desirable place. No worries there as most of you know I tend to have a parachute when dangerously close to the edge.

Be well, and love on another... tomorrow is never guaranteed.

I am but one person... I am me.

Solitude can be a friend.

I have my own life path… it is mine to develop and take as I see fit. I feel there are changes I need to make for myself for my own reasons. The reasons are mine and are really no one else’s business. If I take hormones, if I plan on surgery, what changes I am experiencing and all of that is something I will share with those I choose. If I am supporting another trans person it may be a different story but there are few I trust with some things… and most of you know who you are.

Please call me by my chosen (and legal) name, there are few who will still call me by my birth name and I am OK with that as I do realize that after a few decades it is hard to change. I know you try and I am grateful for that effort. I am Dad to some and Poppa to others… that can never change and I am OK with that too. If you are wondering, the correct pronouns are always the best and for those who simply are not sure, they are pretty basic and include she and her. You will make mistakes and that is fine and expected as we are all human and this is a unique situation to be in.

In my zone as captured by Linda Millar

I am a human being and have feelings just like you do. I have health concerns and my body is going through many changes with the transition that I have undertaken for myself. Bear with me as emotions will sometimes overtake me and turn me into a puddle of useless flesh. There are times I will hug you tighter or longer, please understand I feel welcome and safe in your arms and I don’t want that to go away. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, my soul knows who it can trust and that comes through in an embrace of friendship and love.

I struggle most days with the same thing every other woman does. What to wear based on my preferences, hair, make-up… but each is a learning process for me. I will always dress for personal comfort regardless of what anyone says and I am not a make-up person although I do try from time to time. My hair… sigh… However I do have an appointment with a stylist and hair person who has demonstrated some innovative ideas for that. The one thing I will maintain is my passion for being natural. The silver and black I have now is super and I won’t be one to try and colour, hide roots… all of that. It is so much simpler that way.

I am me… all I have experienced over the past half century have made me the person I am… a woman with passion, life, goals, and a modicum of silliness in just the right dosage.