I am Sarah!

What an amazing and very liberating weekend. Laura, Sam and I gathered up our stuff, packed some food and went to the beach at the north end of Diefenbaker Lake. What some will know as Danielson Provincial park. The intent in this trip was to go see a part of Saskatchewan that Laura had yet to experience as well as to spend a day in the sun (and shade) and just enjoy the sand and the water. After all, this lake had more than 500 miles of shoreline to enjoy.

I wanted to go and was hesitant in my selection of clothing. Last year on a beach at Chitek Lake north of Spiritwood I wore a tank top and shorts. This year I wore a bikini and a mesh top which was soon removed. After sunscreen was applied, especially to the inked areas. I lay on the beach just in my triangle top bikini and enjoy the sun’s warmth. I would wander down to the water as well and enjoyed the freedom. I did have many thoughts in the back of my mind but soon decided that I was here, close to nude as I could be and that is the way it would be.

I did converse with an elder first nations woman who was there with her grandchildren and felt accepted and comfortable. It was a most liberating and amazing feeling to experience. I was virtually on the edge of tears. I did need to get out of the sun for a bit so wandered up to the grassy area and meditated under the shade of a spruce tree. Birds were chirping, a Robin landed nearby and found a for morsels of food.

This was a step I needed to do for me alone and I am glad I did. When we got back to the car and another peaceful grassy area we sat down to have some lunch and enjoy each other. Same was running about and tried to catch a bird but Laura and I both knew it would never happen. I did ask Laura if she would photograph me in my bikini laying on the grass and she seemed most happy to. I tried a few positions on my own but let her call the shots as she was the photographer after all.

Sometime later I took a look at what Laura had captured and how she edited them. One stuck out in my mind the most and I felt an emotional wave run through my body. As I looked through the images and in a moment of time, I felt the woman I had become emerge even further from the fortress that surrounded her. A major hurdle in my life had been overcome and I am Sarah!

Is there a start or end?

When writing a blog... where does one start or end? How often should a person draft a post? No one can answer those questions other than the writer. There was a time when I made nearly daily entries... over 1000 in 3 years but that sad existence is gone now and a new life is well underway. I have tried to go back to sort out when I figured things out and when I began to let people know what was on the horizon.
 

One life gone in favour of a new and authentic one.

 So with that in mind I put together a chronological list of events but I won’t bore you with that. Needless to say I quietly celebrated my 6^th birthday this past October. Many things have happened since I first sorted out a rather chaotic thought process and most recently with conversation and messages with my massage therapist, I have sorted out even more of my life’s mysteries. Without friends like her, my esthetician, and the loving support from Laura I have moved further and quicker into my life. I can include a number of “soul” friends from the Pacific Rim all the way to a wee island in the Atlantic in those benefactors and treasure their existence deep within my heart.

 

I bared my soul and body to the world.

There have been changes in my body which I love and a few I don’t but I still embrace my entire being as I have learned to love myself and all that I am. Yes I curse random hair growth but who doesn’t so I do what I feel I need to in order to make it right... by my standards not by anyone else’s. I don’t care what others think and never will... it isn’t any of my business anyway. I dress for comfort and sometimes can be a little bit of a show-off but everyone is entitled. No one can tell me how to dress but I am open to suggestions. I do not fear openly shopping for clothes or asking for advice and I rather enjoy it.

 

Meditation or prayer for lost souls...

 There are several things on my mind as Remembrance Day is approaching but that is to be expected and I sometimes become very quiet and withdrawn. I plan my own schedule and sometimes that involves ripping out a few hairs (figuratively speaking) but when sorting out studio times, personal times and mix in with that social and studio travel and can be mind boggling. I still, much to the chagrin of some just wander off unannounced and without a solid plan but that has been my way for a few decades now. There are times I will be traveling with Laura and Sam, and other times not. If I am on a studio trip, my mind is solely on the purpose of the journey. But... when I want to go exploring then I will drag anyone along that wants to go.

 My vision is at a stage where my travel (by car) for any reason is limited and I find that extremely frustrating and even a little depressing. I work my way through those stages of depression one moment at a time. Knowing I will once again find the waters of the Pacific and have already planned another journey to a small group of islands in the Atlantic. There were times I would drive for 16 -18 hours in a single day just to reach a destination sooner... thereby having more time where I want, where I need to be. But more on that later...

Be well, be kind to each other and be blessed...