The pain is real...

Scintillating rings fill my visual path, brilliant in colour like the sun reflecting off the surface of a rippled pond. Moving and bright yet I sit in the dark. There is pain this time, a pain I had not forgotten but wish I had. But... had I forgotten than I would have to relive it every time this happens and I am thankful it isn’t as much as it used to be. I wasn’t feeling well earlier today and postponed the booking I had with a feeling I knew what was developing. When I got home I did manage to take in a little food and some meds hoping to stave off what was coming.

It was too late. For several hours I sat in my recliner and fought a fruitless battle and eventually things subsided... it will be a rough few hours and it seems Kozmo knows this. He has not left my lap or my side through this war of pain. The room is notably darker so I fear that time is drawing close, an inevitability I have been waiting for. I hope that this is a small setback but with the looming clouds outside which make things difficult, I didn’t need this. Not today at least.

While I have been preparing for this for a few years, like death, when it arrives it really hurts. Emotionally and today, physically. Both attacking at once. 

 I am tired of hearing the “God has other plans” or “You are never given more than you can handle...”  as much as I am tired of hearing that there is someone out there for you. Well... I got nailed with an idiopathic disease that is stealing away something very precious to me and there are those out there along with my trans status that really just can’t handle it or have no clue what to do. Fine... I get it. I will not be a burden on anyone, I have prepared myself for this and am ready. I will go it alone and while I know I have family and friends there that will lend a hand, It would be nice to listen to someone breathe as they sleep peacefully next to me.

Be blessed, be well and above all, be good to one another of just simply go away. 

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