Part from that which no longer serves you...

People say to separate yourselves from things and people that simply do you no good or are interfering with your life. I have been quietly doing that over that past few years. Giving away things I had in my home I had no use for, or things that I had as keepsakes from family members since passed. I have already given a few things that belonged to my Dad to my sons and have a couple of his things also set aside for my two girls which I will pass on to them.

When it comes to friends... wait, let me rephrase that. When it comes to people I know, that is a different thing. Facebook for example... If you are someone I know through my photographic work then the studio page is where to go for information, contact and that sort of thing. Just this morning I quietly removed about a dozen people from my personal Facebook page that I have either not been in contact with in some form or, have no real need to be part of my personal page. There are those that are studio related on my friends list... but they will remain as we have developed a true friendship and a close bond with each other. Either through my work or simply by being a friend.

When it comes to the modeling and photographic industry in this city, I and others have found that far too many people are taking a much more lackadaisical approach while those who are truly serious are far too busy to devote the time that they want to the work. When you have subjects who are being paid for a certain series fail to show up because they are hung-over then you know where the field has been taken over by weeds. It troubles me when I get a much better and stronger support base in a city far away than I do right at home.

I am not totally disheartened as there are some truly amazing people in this city that totally support the work I do and have always done their best to help me achieving the image I am seeking despite the chaos which is my mind. To those I give my heartfelt appreciation and love. As far as the rest of the so called models and the so called “wanna be” photographers who just bought a camera and are flooding into the area, well... your “work” as such tells the story. I have approached a few of them that seem to have promise and offered my assistance, only to be rebuked and told where to go. I have already been there twice and have no intention of ever returning.

This is my life on the prairies, a place I call home.

The pain is real...

Scintillating rings fill my visual path, brilliant in colour like the sun reflecting off the surface of a rippled pond. Moving and bright yet I sit in the dark. There is pain this time, a pain I had not forgotten but wish I had. But... had I forgotten than I would have to relive it every time this happens and I am thankful it isn’t as much as it used to be. I wasn’t feeling well earlier today and postponed the booking I had with a feeling I knew what was developing. When I got home I did manage to take in a little food and some meds hoping to stave off what was coming.

It was too late. For several hours I sat in my recliner and fought a fruitless battle and eventually things subsided... it will be a rough few hours and it seems Kozmo knows this. He has not left my lap or my side through this war of pain. The room is notably darker so I fear that time is drawing close, an inevitability I have been waiting for. I hope that this is a small setback but with the looming clouds outside which make things difficult, I didn’t need this. Not today at least.

While I have been preparing for this for a few years, like death, when it arrives it really hurts. Emotionally and today, physically. Both attacking at once. 

 I am tired of hearing the “God has other plans” or “You are never given more than you can handle...”  as much as I am tired of hearing that there is someone out there for you. Well... I got nailed with an idiopathic disease that is stealing away something very precious to me and there are those out there along with my trans status that really just can’t handle it or have no clue what to do. Fine... I get it. I will not be a burden on anyone, I have prepared myself for this and am ready. I will go it alone and while I know I have family and friends there that will lend a hand, It would be nice to listen to someone breathe as they sleep peacefully next to me.

Be blessed, be well and above all, be good to one another of just simply go away. 

.

Where is all the love?

Passionate connections are real...

I see many people together enjoying the company of each other. Those who are lovers act differently then those who are just friends. It is remarkable the difference after all. But, anyway. I love it when people are in love... seeing that embrace regardless of who is about, a kiss on the street corner while waiting for the light to change, the bride looking at her groom with a sparkle in her eye, and seeing the emotion in his eyes as he gives himself to her.

Truly amazing when two people fall in love with each other and how unfortunate when they fall out of love or do something selfish and mess it all up. I have seen that too and it is not at all pleasant. I do hope for their sakes that it is resolved before it becomes so injurious that no one will recover.

I had a wonderful meal and a visit with a dear friend this evening. Neither of us is afraid of speaking our minds and sharing innuendos in such a way it could be teasing but it is more in jest and will always illicit a laugh or smile. It was good to see her and we always seem to keep in touch somehow and also seem to go out for supper together every month or so. I hugged her when she dropped me off and it was a hug of true friendship, one of trust. These are the hugs that mean the most to me and only a few of my friends will let it linger for the extra seconds it takes to calm my soul.

How could you...?

I don’t get to my blog as often as I like but... once in awhile it becomes necessary. There was a time when I made almost a daily entry but I also have a life to live, and live it I shall. I am content with my life as it is and of course I do yearn for some things but... if they never come I will get over it. I do hope to travel around the province a bit and maybe the country but it all depends on the usual things.

 

The ocean beckons more often than not...

 In the past couple of months I have been to the west coast to dip my feet into the Pacific and a cool weekend trip with Stevie to Regina to shoot, check out the Science Centre and see a movie on the Imax. This was a first for Stevie and I like giving people I care about those “firsts”. It was a great weekend. Of course I took off for the family getaway in Leoville as it has been a tradition for 10 years now and it simply must carry on as I am sure it will. I also had an opportunity to visit a place I have never been

 

My spiritual advisor. 💗

 I had taken on the responsibility to capture the events of a wedding of a young woman that I have known for several years. Arriving in Kinistino was quite a fun moment. I traveled with Sharlene who “officiated” over the ceremony and met a lot of wonderful people. The wedding and reception itself took place on a farm north of Weldon and it was great. I had the warmest opportunity and shared a moment of emotional release when I hugged Laurel again after many years. It was such an uplifting moment and made the trip even more worthwhile.

 

Anyway... I see Emerald and Jordan together and I was honoured to be there with them. Then I think back to other couples I know and begin to wonder what keeps them together. I will explain: I have known Miss X for a few years, care about her and also understand her lifestyle and certain preferences. We have spoken and shared candidly about our feelings and emotions so I consider her a friend soul-mate. I feel there is nothing we can’t discuss and if we do, then there is no judgement between us. Only forgiveness.

So, it pains me a great deal when I find out that her partner is sending suggestive photographs to women in order to “lure” them into something. Nothing illegal, but, certainly not within the moral standards of most people. Sure, this could be permissible within their relationship but not when you send a dick pic to another person who is unsuspecting and in their own loving relationship with another. Then to deny it later via text message. My God, what the hell are you thinking and really... how can you be so cruel to the woman you claim you love.

The Glory shines all around us...

In the past I had my moments of stupid behavior but I see how it effects people around me and I see what happens when someone is naïve and totally doesn’t see her partner behaving in such a callous way. I know how it can happen, but not why. I just feel lost for her and what is going on... but I will also keep my nose out of it as in the end it is not my business.

I will be back a lot sooner than 4 something months. In the meantime I pray for my son who is struggling with a nasty disease and I pray for my friend and her partner that he becomes the man she thinks he is.

Be well, and be good to each other...

I am an individual...

I am an individual and that is all I ask that anyone recognize. I have a name, please use it and if you aren’t sure, no fear in asking me what it is... I prefer proper pronouns and if you don’t know how to refer to me then all you need to do is ask. There are some things you shouldn’t ask... and I will only mention them once.

Do not ask:

- About surgeries or hormone replacements
- Sexual preferences or desires

- How much I make in a year

Please ask:

- How I am doing
- What is new or exciting

Pretty much use your head and think about what you would not like to be asked about. It really isn’t rocket science.

I am beaten down every day by those who refuse to acknowledge my existence and by those who intentionally ignore my simple requests. Be that as it may, I continue to live and enjoy each day as best as I can. There are very few... and I do mean a very small number who I am OK with calling me by the name I was given at birth. In reality it still is part of my name so it is somewhat easy to overlook.

Beaten down by ignorance but will always rise.

I did not choose an easy path to live but for me it is the right one. There is no other way I could have continued with life without having accepted who I truly am and needed to be. While the medical community does not make some things easy, I am happy that my physician is helping me through things as best as he can. I ask a lot of him but step by step... I continue to grow as the woman I am. I could not do it without the amazing love and support of many friends. Some from before I was “born”, and some from after. I could with some effort list each and every one but for that, a personal moment between us will do the trick as each one means so much to me for a variety of reasons.

I am an individual and that is all I ask that anyone recognize. I have a name, please use it and if you aren’t sure, no fear in asking me what it is... I prefer proper pronouns and if you don’t know how to refer to me then all you need to do is ask. There are some things you shouldn’t ask... and I will only mention them once.

It just takes a moment of caring... open love.

I hear so much talk about how I should be patient as someone will come into my life... I always reply with the same thing: “If there is a perfect or close to perfect person out there for me... chances are they are a pygmy head-hunter in the jungles of Borneo.” Bullshit... I do believe in fate but I also believe in people accepting people for who they are, not what they are. I have been told by one that they were damaged goods and I wouldn’t be happy... others say they are unlovable... When I hear those things I never go any further as they have made up their own mind about not getting into any kind of meaningful relationship.

I have my thoughts about one person and haven’t had a viable chance to sit and talk with them about everything. Timing has been off and that is OK as they have a life too. Would I want it to work? Oh yes I would as long as I am considered a who and not a what. I also feel that they know who they are...

It was a painful day...

It was a painful day but then getting work done on a back tattoo can be that way. As the needles penetrated my skin I was able to drift my thoughts to other things. It helps with the pain when you can do that. Anyway... while the time was short I did get some peace from a conversation I was part of last night. The time we have is not enough. Eyes look into mine and my heart pounds, can’t explain it but something feels right.

Her eyes looked into mine

I am openly concerned about a number of my friends and like with my family, it would hurt so much to see something bad happen. Two of them are having issues with each other as people will do and I remain neutral, but there for either of them. This is life...

I live alone, with my cat and I like it that way... We do argue and I usually get injured as a result but that is our relationship. Most of the time it is a peaceful and loving one and other times he just disappears all together. Yes, it is possible for two humans to be involved and not even live together. Each doing their own thing, but each joining with the other for time together. Travel, movies, walks, cooking in the kitchen to entertain friends or just watching the waves roll into shore.

Anyway... I will move on day by day and enjoy what I can on my own. I do travel a lot by myself as that is all I have. It is great to do that too. Adventure, talking with random people, just doing your own thing wherever you may be. I have also travelled with someone and that is wonderful, especially if you are showing them things they have never seen. This is a major adventure and I am always open to this sort of thing.

A wonderful travel partner

Soon I leave for the Pacific Rim and I am not travelling alone. Char and I have travelled together before and it was a total adventure as we both found ourselves in places that neither of has ever been. Now that is something that is amazing especially when you can share it with a friend.

Born to die...

The universe is ours... respect it before it is too late.

I was born... to die. We all start with that first breath when we are born... totally unaware of anything and begin our life journey with one positive end. What we do with the space in between all of that is up to us. We learn, some quicker than others... we love, are loved, we make mistakes are dumped and abused. It is not easy this thing called life but most of us do pretty good considering we really don’t learn what it takes. School does not teach us what we need to know, our parents try to but... no matter what everything is different for everyone.

Trying to exist in a world that is blind...

I have lived reasonably well. I have made mistakes, I have been an absolute bastard at times but I did my best to learn as I went along. Correct those things that I did wrong; make myself a better person for it. The past 4 years have been the most liberating but even with the things I had learned... I found myself in situations that were most uncomfortable.

Truth... it can hurt but it is the most efficient way of communicating and getting things done. I have recently been in a situation where I have had so much on my mind and trying to sort it out is becoming very painful. Despite the pain I will sort things out... talk to key people and hope that when I do confront that one person it works out well. Or at the very least I get a very honest and heartfelt response.

For my peace... leave me alone but I still need you.

I am quite the introvert... I totally enjoy my solitude but at the same time I crave human interaction. More and more I am restricted by my fluctuating vision ability and my inane stubbornness to not get out more. My peace is sweet so someone has to be able to make it even sweeter to open that door. My work on “Shadows” has taken a bit of a kick due to my vision and fear of personal rejection or loss. It is the way I am and I can deal with it but I am not sure I want to deal with it alone.

Could I truly love someone till the end of my time? I am certain I can and would love to.

Be with one person, loving... close, sharing, screaming, arguing and cuddling the pain away... One thing I have learned though is far too many people, including many I know have preconceived notions on how things should be and... expect that perfect “looking” person, the well trimmed, excellent figure kind of person. When in reality one should be looking for a real person. Warm, honest, sensual, true... Oh well... I know what I bring to the table and I am not afraid to walk away.

My pain is real... your touch will heal.

I was born to die... and when I do leave this surreal plane of existence it won’t be in a blaze of glory... well, it could be, as I still tend to take a risk now and then that involves high altitudes and explosives.

Time will tell but in the end this is one hell of a ride.