I find no dishonour...

I find no dishonour when a fellow human being takes the extreme measure and removes themselves from existence. What ever weight was upon their shoulders or cloud that surrounded their brain, to them there was no other choice but to take their own life. I feel that the inability to communicate the struggle they were in is part of it. Perhaps pride and being a brave and strong person on the outside is a cover to protect the frightened and overwhelmed soul which is on the inside. 

Whatever the case may be, the person taking their own life is a victim... a victim of a mental illness and they succumb to that illness. All over the world people take this measure to bring on what they feel is relief, happiness and to apparently remove the perceived stress from others. The illness which has taken the lives of some of my friends and other more well know people like Robin Williams cannot be ignored.

Soldiers from any military force take their lives due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Shell Shock. They are unable to cope with life in the civilian world. It is not a problem that is easily recognized even by professionals but it is an illness that needs to be addressed. Statistics show that 40% of transgender people take their lives as a result of not being able to get the help they seek and none of this is acceptable.

I was at that point a number of years ago but I also knew all to well that this option was not for me. I battled the disease, the mental illness and overcame the stress and removed the cloud from my mind. I am grateful for those that took the time to listen.

I find no dishonour in suicide, it is an individual choice and I sincerely hope that those that take this step have found what they were looking for... no longer in pain and existing in peace.

Be well...

Too many years... too many tears.

Too many years...

Had society been more tolerant and had I been more educated in some things I likely would have made my choices years ago. But then again perhaps not. The timeline is set and rehashing the old will never help moving on into the new. So, with that it mind I grasped my life by the horns and made the changes I needed to make for me... my choices, my decisions... my happiness.

Nicole... the first realization.

Yes my life has become quieter in general. My social activities have decreased as has contact with people I once knew, or thought I knew. All of that is OK... I have met new an wonderful friends and made the friendships I do have even stronger and more viable. Not only that my attitude has changed. I thought I had perceived things differently but realized a lot of things. One of the people who was somewhat involved in my self discovery pointed something out to me. 

In my previous life as a photographer I worked, composed some wonderful images and put together some very unique pieces of photographic art. What was pointed out to me was my old self was never an artistic photographer or even a photographer in general. The person I had locked in a dungeon for more than 40 years who bears the name of “Sarah” used the synaptic pathways to find a way out of the cellar to the outside world. She used photography as her medium and to communicate with the outside world through images. Her voice and her vision was loud and very clear.

I heard her screams echo from the deep recesses of my brain and soon realized just how “in touch” with my feminine side I truly was. Something had to be done... so with the help of Aleisa who was not only a key model but a psychologist I was able to break the lock and free a spirit from the shackles that held her and Sarah was set free.

Aleisa... My saviour

The imagery grew in a remarkable way and while there are moments of mental lapses that will slow down the post production of past work there are moments when Sarah... where I, me... will pull up my knickers and get the task complete. Two bursts in the past week have seen nearly 60% of previous and present work being cleared. As I work freely on imagery, as I type out this entry, I find myself in tears. Some out of sorrow, but more so out of the joy and celebration of life in discovering my true freedom. 

Caitlin, life inspiration

I still have moments of fear, of wanting to hide away... times when I will weep for no apparent reason, times of wanting to just be held... to have my face caressed... to be comforted like a small child. A child who is lost and fears things that there are no reason to fear. I am sometimes that child but will always find that moment where I rise up true and strong and face the world.

 My work continues... my passion grows... my love for life is enhanced as I work with others... I am content in my life, Kozmo is a wonderful creature but still there is something missing...

Be well, welcome each day with a smile and a fresh look on what lay ahead..

I am but one person... I am me.

Solitude can be a friend.

I have my own life path… it is mine to develop and take as I see fit. I feel there are changes I need to make for myself for my own reasons. The reasons are mine and are really no one else’s business. If I take hormones, if I plan on surgery, what changes I am experiencing and all of that is something I will share with those I choose. If I am supporting another trans person it may be a different story but there are few I trust with some things… and most of you know who you are.

Please call me by my chosen (and legal) name, there are few who will still call me by my birth name and I am OK with that as I do realize that after a few decades it is hard to change. I know you try and I am grateful for that effort. I am Dad to some and Poppa to others… that can never change and I am OK with that too. If you are wondering, the correct pronouns are always the best and for those who simply are not sure, they are pretty basic and include she and her. You will make mistakes and that is fine and expected as we are all human and this is a unique situation to be in.

In my zone as captured by Linda Millar

I am a human being and have feelings just like you do. I have health concerns and my body is going through many changes with the transition that I have undertaken for myself. Bear with me as emotions will sometimes overtake me and turn me into a puddle of useless flesh. There are times I will hug you tighter or longer, please understand I feel welcome and safe in your arms and I don’t want that to go away. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, my soul knows who it can trust and that comes through in an embrace of friendship and love.

I struggle most days with the same thing every other woman does. What to wear based on my preferences, hair, make-up… but each is a learning process for me. I will always dress for personal comfort regardless of what anyone says and I am not a make-up person although I do try from time to time. My hair… sigh… However I do have an appointment with a stylist and hair person who has demonstrated some innovative ideas for that. The one thing I will maintain is my passion for being natural. The silver and black I have now is super and I won’t be one to try and colour, hide roots… all of that. It is so much simpler that way.

I am me… all I have experienced over the past half century have made me the person I am… a woman with passion, life, goals, and a modicum of silliness in just the right dosage.

My spirit soars high above...

I have made connections with people all over the place… all over the world really. Some are professional connections, others are more hobby or common interest related and very few are connections made at such a deep level that the pain of losing them would be close to unbearable. I am talking of a connection so deep that it is a connection of my spirit with another’s spiritual entity. It is when our individual souls wrap around each other in an embrace that feels so pure and so wonderful it just seems to be so comforting and wonderful.

I know who I have connected with at this level and can count them on one hand. Male and female alike, straight, gay, bi… none of that matters but what does matter is the love, spiritual and emotional connection that is made. This has nothing to do with a relationship like a loving couple would have… this is the relationship of two souls coming together outside of anything else that is going on in our respective lives. Two of my “soul-mates” (Sara G. and Angie B.) have wonderful relationships of their own and I admire that very much. I love to see them interact together and enjoy their love. This is something I long for and will always be hopeful but of course I will do fine otherwise.

Today was a day much like others… started out with brunch with Angie, Matt and their daughter. Food was great as always, company was fabulous and I enjoyed the visit. We then all piled into Angie’s little 4x4 and off we went to Beaver Creek Conservation Area. We wandered along one of the trails with a pocket full of seed, cameras and joy in our hearts. The area of course will be coming into bloom in a few weeks as winter has pretty much gone. The creek is flowing pretty good and the temperature was cool but quite nice either way. 

Two of God's creatures... Angie and a bird.

"SQUIRREL"

It wasn’t long before a whistle from my lips brought a wee Chickadee down from the trees to Angie’s open hand where it plucked up a seed and flew off. Walking a bit further down the path we discovered a little 13-Lined ground squirrel rummaging through the underbrush in search of food, We couldn’t coax this tiny creature closer but left a small handful of seeds behind for him/her to hopefully find. It wasn’t long before my hand was out and I handed Angie a piece of machinery she had never used before and with that machine she captured a wonderful photograph of a bird making a selection from the seeds I had in my palm. 

So tiny and delicate

Sara and the Ladybug

A simple connection with one of God’s creatures like this is wonderful. A small moment in time that even if wasn’t photographed it would be remembered. As I photographed Angie with the bird, I saw her face, with eyes as wide open as they could be, her mouth in a smile and she just looked like a little girl totally amazed with what was happening in front of her. I likely wouldn’t be able to capture in an image what I saw but it will always be in my mind. Much like the time Sara G. watched as a ladybug crawled along her hand and onto her fingers… there was a look of pure wonder and fascination. It will always be in my mind forever and this is where these kinds of connections are made. 

High above the creek, we prayed...

Near the end of our walk along these prairie paths we stopped near a bend in the creek.High above the banks Angie and I sat in the grass and we both prayed together. A prayer to God, Jesus and the heavens above. I thought of my dad, my family and all of my friends, I gave thanks for them all and for this moment I was about to share with a spiritual and incredible woman. While lots won’t believe in Tarot cards and I am one of them… I went into everything today with an open mind and accepting spirit. After we prayed I selected 4 cards from the colourful deck and starting with the first one I picked we went through each and what they could mean. I had no problem in giving the affirmation with each as they all told a story. The story was of me…


The reading was a private moment between me, Angie and our individual faiths, I am not going to go into details but what was discovered was already in my mind so no huge revelation. However, the order of the cards brought me to think about how true each was. Past… present… my struggle and how I have taken charge of my life and have started to live it my way as the person I am. Yes, she knew a lot of this beforehand but I am the one who picked the cards and in a sequence that matched my life. In any case I was overtaken by emotions at everything we shared and wept… I cried in the arms of a friend high above the river in the wide open prairies. Where the land and the air is pure and where no one would judge anyone. Free to let my tears fall upon her shoulder, feeling each other’s heart beat and hearing the sobs coming from my body… The breeze blew warm over us as we sat embraced in the warm sunlight from above… blessed and loved. 

Two souls finally came together, seemingly as one for a moment in time. I felt her pain, and she felt mine. It was a very spiritual moment for me and one of affirmation and awakening. We walked back up the hill, hand in hand to the visitor’s centre and talked. I wished Sara was with us to share in this moment but I also know there is always tomorrow. Each day is a blessing, each soul that had touched mine is sacred to me and one day there will be a soul that scoops me up and holds on till the day I am called on to a higher spiritual sense of being and I can join those who preceded me on our “Next Great Adventure”.

I am not...

It has been nearly 7 months since I made an entry or did anything with my blog... this will change as I find this is an outlet in many ways. Not to mention a wonderful way of sharing my work and bits of my life...

This will be a short entry to get things rolling.

Since coming to terms with who I am, and accepting myself as that person, I have had many show their support. Some feigned there support and have withered away so I simply let them go. In any case I have encountered interesting people since so I want to set the record straight.

I AM NOT:

a tranny

t-girl

girlie boi

transvestite

shemale

girl with a dick

gay (other than being happy)

wannabe lesbian

crossdresser

I AM:

A human being with feelings, emotions, intelligence, a passion for family and life, an artist who just happens to be a transgender woman. I love and care about people and want to be able to live my life as the woman I am, regardless of what anyone thinks. 

I am who I am... if you don't like or respect that then it is you who has the problem...
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When an image speaks…

Ashley in Contentment

I was asked this question when a friend looked at the image above. “I wonder... is it the photograph that inspires you to say these thought provoking sayings.... or is what you are feeling at the time & the photograph matches your mood?”

I have taken a lot of images in my lifetime and viewed many more from the albums of others. I have always believed that if an image creates laughter, anger, loathing, sense of loss and any other emotion then it is a good image. As it has been said…

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”

There are moments when I will capture and image and I see many things in it. Like the one of Ashley above… I have a sense of contentment in my life… I have been through a long struggle as many of you know and with the realization of who I am as an individual has finally come to be. All through my work my imagery has been reflecting the inner me. Yes, I have done weddings, basic portraiture but the crux of my work… was from within my soul.

The images speak to me. 

A moment of reflection

At times I will run across an image of mine or the work of another that speaks to me and it does so to reflect that very moment of time. Occasionally I will stare at a scene before capturing it and find a peace, a feeling of wellness like in the chapel on Claudia’s farm. There were a few angles I have committed to my memory to take with me into oblivion as no camera could capture what I saw nor felt. When I read the bible in the chapel, I felt warmth, a near glow coming from the cross on the altar. I could see it but knew that this was just for me so I closed my eyes and prayed. While I am not a religious person… I am spiritual and I did feel something that day on the farm

Escape the darkness

Here is a dark side of what was… the inner me struggling to escape the shadows. This image tells me a story and with Savannah as the subject I can gaze upon it and see what was and what is. While I will never be as outwardly beautiful as Savannah I believe that I will radiate like she does with my own amazing aura. That comes from with-in. You see, when working with my subjects I will talk with them. Share stories of life, beliefs and wishes for the future. So, in some cases I will look at a photograph I have created and remember the entire conversation that lead up to the shutter being released. So when I look back and share an image with you I am reliving a moment of my life.

Cleansing oneself of the past

Often on location during the warmer months of the year brings a much different set of emotions and mind into play. It isn’t too often that I will become emotional while shooting but when I do, I share that emotion with whoever is there. I am not afraid of sharing tears and no one should be. Here, Tara’s image says many things… a look of loss, of wonder and of knowing. In the cleansing herself of the mud of her life, my life we have a fresh, clean perspective of what the universe had perhaps intended.

The images speak to me… 

Kindred spirit who has embraced my soul

Bree has brought many soulful moments and images to my work. She is a carpenter, photographer, naturalist, Mom and a super friend. We have shared imagery, gone to odd locations to create, talk, meditate and it is through the voice from the preserved images I can recall each moment and each connection we have made. I will carry on creating, listening and learning from one of the most vital women in my life other than my mom.

Imagery, photography, breathing and life are all an integral part of who I am. It is my life and my passion… a simple scene like in this image below will warm my soul and I simply must stop, stand within God’s light and splendor and give thanks for who I am and what I have become...

A road less travelled

The images speak to me 

The world is yours Grasshopper...

One way I deal with stresses and other such life ups and downs is to create… Either through imagery or by the written word. I closed down my old blog as that person doesn’t really exist any more. I mean everything that has happened to me as Phillip has made me the person that I am as a whole and that will not change very much if at all but I move on with true ideals of who I am, how I want to explore my imagery and how I wish to live my life as Sarah. My parents gave me names when I was born… I am keeping those names but dropping the one I really didn’t like but in the end I am the person who most matters to me and I am just fine with that   

Life experiences make you who you are… even as a carrot.

Today there is snow and freezing rain so I am not akin to going anywhere and in fact I feel quite depressed or down and I must turn to writing and other art forms including music.. As anyone knows who has followed me in my life and been there as part of it I was diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and am adjusting my life to fit with where I feel I need to be. Of the people I have “come out” to there were some who just didn’t understand and with the way society is I don’t blame them for their lack of understanding. If they ask… I will try to answer as best that I can but one thing that everyone should know is that I am doing this for myself.

I have often said to people that in life you must take care of yourself first if you are going to be of any good to anyone else.  Health, contentment among other things and general well being should be a personal priority before you can do anything for others in your life. I accept myself for who I am and that was the first step to re-aligning my life to be where I would like to be. I am well aware that this is not going to be an easy road and I will be travelling along it by myself from time to time but it is a path I must take for my own physical and spiritual health and life. There will be ups and downs… hills to climb and stumbling blocks along the way but a journey I must make.

The demon that once was....

Today is one of those days where I feel at the bottom of a pile of manure somewhere… it is a feeling I have had before and I do have many things I can draw on to bring myself back up again spiritually. Over all I am fine and when I look at my life in general I do find moments where this kind of downfall could have been detrimental to my health if not my life. I do not find dishonour in ending it all as some have done but I have also not found a reason as some seem to think they have… I take each moment, find those things that mildly amuse me if even for a few minutes and draw on that positive energy to begin the climb back up.

It could be a bit weather related too, I know I have a full day with work tomorrow, then the salon after work and coffee with an amazing friend after that. Somewhere in there I will have a bite to eat and my laundry can wait another day. This afternoon has been filled with a few images, fighting Nazi soldiers, a nap and a senseless trip to the market. It pretty much reminded me I should have stayed home in the first place but I needed a spot of fresh air. I have a life to live and while I finally came to terms with how I wanted to do that not that long ago, I know I will enjoy it as best as I can.

Nothing wrong with a little fun...

I am an individual, a person who has found herself hiding in the closet of a man we all know. I was kept there as “he” had no idea what to do. One day the closet door was opened and all I heard were these words…

“You are free, the world can finally be yours…”