I am an individual...

I am an individual and that is all I ask that anyone recognize. I have a name, please use it and if you aren’t sure, no fear in asking me what it is... I prefer proper pronouns and if you don’t know how to refer to me then all you need to do is ask. There are some things you shouldn’t ask... and I will only mention them once.

Do not ask:

- About surgeries or hormone replacements
- Sexual preferences or desires

- How much I make in a year

Please ask:

- How I am doing
- What is new or exciting

Pretty much use your head and think about what you would not like to be asked about. It really isn’t rocket science.

I am beaten down every day by those who refuse to acknowledge my existence and by those who intentionally ignore my simple requests. Be that as it may, I continue to live and enjoy each day as best as I can. There are very few... and I do mean a very small number who I am OK with calling me by the name I was given at birth. In reality it still is part of my name so it is somewhat easy to overlook.

Beaten down by ignorance but will always rise.

I did not choose an easy path to live but for me it is the right one. There is no other way I could have continued with life without having accepted who I truly am and needed to be. While the medical community does not make some things easy, I am happy that my physician is helping me through things as best as he can. I ask a lot of him but step by step... I continue to grow as the woman I am. I could not do it without the amazing love and support of many friends. Some from before I was “born”, and some from after. I could with some effort list each and every one but for that, a personal moment between us will do the trick as each one means so much to me for a variety of reasons.

I am an individual and that is all I ask that anyone recognize. I have a name, please use it and if you aren’t sure, no fear in asking me what it is... I prefer proper pronouns and if you don’t know how to refer to me then all you need to do is ask. There are some things you shouldn’t ask... and I will only mention them once.

It just takes a moment of caring... open love.

I hear so much talk about how I should be patient as someone will come into my life... I always reply with the same thing: “If there is a perfect or close to perfect person out there for me... chances are they are a pygmy head-hunter in the jungles of Borneo.” Bullshit... I do believe in fate but I also believe in people accepting people for who they are, not what they are. I have been told by one that they were damaged goods and I wouldn’t be happy... others say they are unlovable... When I hear those things I never go any further as they have made up their own mind about not getting into any kind of meaningful relationship.

I have my thoughts about one person and haven’t had a viable chance to sit and talk with them about everything. Timing has been off and that is OK as they have a life too. Would I want it to work? Oh yes I would as long as I am considered a who and not a what. I also feel that they know who they are...

It was a painful day...

It was a painful day but then getting work done on a back tattoo can be that way. As the needles penetrated my skin I was able to drift my thoughts to other things. It helps with the pain when you can do that. Anyway... while the time was short I did get some peace from a conversation I was part of last night. The time we have is not enough. Eyes look into mine and my heart pounds, can’t explain it but something feels right.

Her eyes looked into mine

I am openly concerned about a number of my friends and like with my family, it would hurt so much to see something bad happen. Two of them are having issues with each other as people will do and I remain neutral, but there for either of them. This is life...

I live alone, with my cat and I like it that way... We do argue and I usually get injured as a result but that is our relationship. Most of the time it is a peaceful and loving one and other times he just disappears all together. Yes, it is possible for two humans to be involved and not even live together. Each doing their own thing, but each joining with the other for time together. Travel, movies, walks, cooking in the kitchen to entertain friends or just watching the waves roll into shore.

Anyway... I will move on day by day and enjoy what I can on my own. I do travel a lot by myself as that is all I have. It is great to do that too. Adventure, talking with random people, just doing your own thing wherever you may be. I have also travelled with someone and that is wonderful, especially if you are showing them things they have never seen. This is a major adventure and I am always open to this sort of thing.

A wonderful travel partner

Soon I leave for the Pacific Rim and I am not travelling alone. Char and I have travelled together before and it was a total adventure as we both found ourselves in places that neither of has ever been. Now that is something that is amazing especially when you can share it with a friend.

Born to die...

The universe is ours... respect it before it is too late.

I was born... to die. We all start with that first breath when we are born... totally unaware of anything and begin our life journey with one positive end. What we do with the space in between all of that is up to us. We learn, some quicker than others... we love, are loved, we make mistakes are dumped and abused. It is not easy this thing called life but most of us do pretty good considering we really don’t learn what it takes. School does not teach us what we need to know, our parents try to but... no matter what everything is different for everyone.

Trying to exist in a world that is blind...

I have lived reasonably well. I have made mistakes, I have been an absolute bastard at times but I did my best to learn as I went along. Correct those things that I did wrong; make myself a better person for it. The past 4 years have been the most liberating but even with the things I had learned... I found myself in situations that were most uncomfortable.

Truth... it can hurt but it is the most efficient way of communicating and getting things done. I have recently been in a situation where I have had so much on my mind and trying to sort it out is becoming very painful. Despite the pain I will sort things out... talk to key people and hope that when I do confront that one person it works out well. Or at the very least I get a very honest and heartfelt response.

For my peace... leave me alone but I still need you.

I am quite the introvert... I totally enjoy my solitude but at the same time I crave human interaction. More and more I am restricted by my fluctuating vision ability and my inane stubbornness to not get out more. My peace is sweet so someone has to be able to make it even sweeter to open that door. My work on “Shadows” has taken a bit of a kick due to my vision and fear of personal rejection or loss. It is the way I am and I can deal with it but I am not sure I want to deal with it alone.

Could I truly love someone till the end of my time? I am certain I can and would love to.

Be with one person, loving... close, sharing, screaming, arguing and cuddling the pain away... One thing I have learned though is far too many people, including many I know have preconceived notions on how things should be and... expect that perfect “looking” person, the well trimmed, excellent figure kind of person. When in reality one should be looking for a real person. Warm, honest, sensual, true... Oh well... I know what I bring to the table and I am not afraid to walk away.

My pain is real... your touch will heal.

I was born to die... and when I do leave this surreal plane of existence it won’t be in a blaze of glory... well, it could be, as I still tend to take a risk now and then that involves high altitudes and explosives.

Time will tell but in the end this is one hell of a ride.

I find no dishonour...

I find no dishonour when a fellow human being takes the extreme measure and removes themselves from existence. What ever weight was upon their shoulders or cloud that surrounded their brain, to them there was no other choice but to take their own life. I feel that the inability to communicate the struggle they were in is part of it. Perhaps pride and being a brave and strong person on the outside is a cover to protect the frightened and overwhelmed soul which is on the inside. 

Whatever the case may be, the person taking their own life is a victim... a victim of a mental illness and they succumb to that illness. All over the world people take this measure to bring on what they feel is relief, happiness and to apparently remove the perceived stress from others. The illness which has taken the lives of some of my friends and other more well know people like Robin Williams cannot be ignored.

Soldiers from any military force take their lives due to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or Shell Shock. They are unable to cope with life in the civilian world. It is not a problem that is easily recognized even by professionals but it is an illness that needs to be addressed. Statistics show that 40% of transgender people take their lives as a result of not being able to get the help they seek and none of this is acceptable.

I was at that point a number of years ago but I also knew all to well that this option was not for me. I battled the disease, the mental illness and overcame the stress and removed the cloud from my mind. I am grateful for those that took the time to listen.

I find no dishonour in suicide, it is an individual choice and I sincerely hope that those that take this step have found what they were looking for... no longer in pain and existing in peace.

Be well...

Too many years... too many tears.

Too many years...

Had society been more tolerant and had I been more educated in some things I likely would have made my choices years ago. But then again perhaps not. The timeline is set and rehashing the old will never help moving on into the new. So, with that it mind I grasped my life by the horns and made the changes I needed to make for me... my choices, my decisions... my happiness.

Nicole... the first realization.

Yes my life has become quieter in general. My social activities have decreased as has contact with people I once knew, or thought I knew. All of that is OK... I have met new an wonderful friends and made the friendships I do have even stronger and more viable. Not only that my attitude has changed. I thought I had perceived things differently but realized a lot of things. One of the people who was somewhat involved in my self discovery pointed something out to me. 

In my previous life as a photographer I worked, composed some wonderful images and put together some very unique pieces of photographic art. What was pointed out to me was my old self was never an artistic photographer or even a photographer in general. The person I had locked in a dungeon for more than 40 years who bears the name of “Sarah” used the synaptic pathways to find a way out of the cellar to the outside world. She used photography as her medium and to communicate with the outside world through images. Her voice and her vision was loud and very clear.

I heard her screams echo from the deep recesses of my brain and soon realized just how “in touch” with my feminine side I truly was. Something had to be done... so with the help of Aleisa who was not only a key model but a psychologist I was able to break the lock and free a spirit from the shackles that held her and Sarah was set free.

Aleisa... My saviour

The imagery grew in a remarkable way and while there are moments of mental lapses that will slow down the post production of past work there are moments when Sarah... where I, me... will pull up my knickers and get the task complete. Two bursts in the past week have seen nearly 60% of previous and present work being cleared. As I work freely on imagery, as I type out this entry, I find myself in tears. Some out of sorrow, but more so out of the joy and celebration of life in discovering my true freedom. 

Caitlin, life inspiration

I still have moments of fear, of wanting to hide away... times when I will weep for no apparent reason, times of wanting to just be held... to have my face caressed... to be comforted like a small child. A child who is lost and fears things that there are no reason to fear. I am sometimes that child but will always find that moment where I rise up true and strong and face the world.

 My work continues... my passion grows... my love for life is enhanced as I work with others... I am content in my life, Kozmo is a wonderful creature but still there is something missing...

Be well, welcome each day with a smile and a fresh look on what lay ahead..

I am but one person... I am me.

Solitude can be a friend.

I have my own life path… it is mine to develop and take as I see fit. I feel there are changes I need to make for myself for my own reasons. The reasons are mine and are really no one else’s business. If I take hormones, if I plan on surgery, what changes I am experiencing and all of that is something I will share with those I choose. If I am supporting another trans person it may be a different story but there are few I trust with some things… and most of you know who you are.

Please call me by my chosen (and legal) name, there are few who will still call me by my birth name and I am OK with that as I do realize that after a few decades it is hard to change. I know you try and I am grateful for that effort. I am Dad to some and Poppa to others… that can never change and I am OK with that too. If you are wondering, the correct pronouns are always the best and for those who simply are not sure, they are pretty basic and include she and her. You will make mistakes and that is fine and expected as we are all human and this is a unique situation to be in.

In my zone as captured by Linda Millar

I am a human being and have feelings just like you do. I have health concerns and my body is going through many changes with the transition that I have undertaken for myself. Bear with me as emotions will sometimes overtake me and turn me into a puddle of useless flesh. There are times I will hug you tighter or longer, please understand I feel welcome and safe in your arms and I don’t want that to go away. It doesn’t matter if you are male or female, my soul knows who it can trust and that comes through in an embrace of friendship and love.

I struggle most days with the same thing every other woman does. What to wear based on my preferences, hair, make-up… but each is a learning process for me. I will always dress for personal comfort regardless of what anyone says and I am not a make-up person although I do try from time to time. My hair… sigh… However I do have an appointment with a stylist and hair person who has demonstrated some innovative ideas for that. The one thing I will maintain is my passion for being natural. The silver and black I have now is super and I won’t be one to try and colour, hide roots… all of that. It is so much simpler that way.

I am me… all I have experienced over the past half century have made me the person I am… a woman with passion, life, goals, and a modicum of silliness in just the right dosage.

My spirit soars high above...

I have made connections with people all over the place… all over the world really. Some are professional connections, others are more hobby or common interest related and very few are connections made at such a deep level that the pain of losing them would be close to unbearable. I am talking of a connection so deep that it is a connection of my spirit with another’s spiritual entity. It is when our individual souls wrap around each other in an embrace that feels so pure and so wonderful it just seems to be so comforting and wonderful.

I know who I have connected with at this level and can count them on one hand. Male and female alike, straight, gay, bi… none of that matters but what does matter is the love, spiritual and emotional connection that is made. This has nothing to do with a relationship like a loving couple would have… this is the relationship of two souls coming together outside of anything else that is going on in our respective lives. Two of my “soul-mates” (Sara G. and Angie B.) have wonderful relationships of their own and I admire that very much. I love to see them interact together and enjoy their love. This is something I long for and will always be hopeful but of course I will do fine otherwise.

Today was a day much like others… started out with brunch with Angie, Matt and their daughter. Food was great as always, company was fabulous and I enjoyed the visit. We then all piled into Angie’s little 4x4 and off we went to Beaver Creek Conservation Area. We wandered along one of the trails with a pocket full of seed, cameras and joy in our hearts. The area of course will be coming into bloom in a few weeks as winter has pretty much gone. The creek is flowing pretty good and the temperature was cool but quite nice either way. 

Two of God's creatures... Angie and a bird.

"SQUIRREL"

It wasn’t long before a whistle from my lips brought a wee Chickadee down from the trees to Angie’s open hand where it plucked up a seed and flew off. Walking a bit further down the path we discovered a little 13-Lined ground squirrel rummaging through the underbrush in search of food, We couldn’t coax this tiny creature closer but left a small handful of seeds behind for him/her to hopefully find. It wasn’t long before my hand was out and I handed Angie a piece of machinery she had never used before and with that machine she captured a wonderful photograph of a bird making a selection from the seeds I had in my palm. 

So tiny and delicate

Sara and the Ladybug

A simple connection with one of God’s creatures like this is wonderful. A small moment in time that even if wasn’t photographed it would be remembered. As I photographed Angie with the bird, I saw her face, with eyes as wide open as they could be, her mouth in a smile and she just looked like a little girl totally amazed with what was happening in front of her. I likely wouldn’t be able to capture in an image what I saw but it will always be in my mind. Much like the time Sara G. watched as a ladybug crawled along her hand and onto her fingers… there was a look of pure wonder and fascination. It will always be in my mind forever and this is where these kinds of connections are made. 

High above the creek, we prayed...

Near the end of our walk along these prairie paths we stopped near a bend in the creek.High above the banks Angie and I sat in the grass and we both prayed together. A prayer to God, Jesus and the heavens above. I thought of my dad, my family and all of my friends, I gave thanks for them all and for this moment I was about to share with a spiritual and incredible woman. While lots won’t believe in Tarot cards and I am one of them… I went into everything today with an open mind and accepting spirit. After we prayed I selected 4 cards from the colourful deck and starting with the first one I picked we went through each and what they could mean. I had no problem in giving the affirmation with each as they all told a story. The story was of me…


The reading was a private moment between me, Angie and our individual faiths, I am not going to go into details but what was discovered was already in my mind so no huge revelation. However, the order of the cards brought me to think about how true each was. Past… present… my struggle and how I have taken charge of my life and have started to live it my way as the person I am. Yes, she knew a lot of this beforehand but I am the one who picked the cards and in a sequence that matched my life. In any case I was overtaken by emotions at everything we shared and wept… I cried in the arms of a friend high above the river in the wide open prairies. Where the land and the air is pure and where no one would judge anyone. Free to let my tears fall upon her shoulder, feeling each other’s heart beat and hearing the sobs coming from my body… The breeze blew warm over us as we sat embraced in the warm sunlight from above… blessed and loved. 

Two souls finally came together, seemingly as one for a moment in time. I felt her pain, and she felt mine. It was a very spiritual moment for me and one of affirmation and awakening. We walked back up the hill, hand in hand to the visitor’s centre and talked. I wished Sara was with us to share in this moment but I also know there is always tomorrow. Each day is a blessing, each soul that had touched mine is sacred to me and one day there will be a soul that scoops me up and holds on till the day I am called on to a higher spiritual sense of being and I can join those who preceded me on our “Next Great Adventure”.